Karli

Today my family went to the cemetery where my daughter is buried. We had to bury the ashes of my wife's uncle. Since the burial plots are all together, we also took time to plant some new flowers and some fresh grass seed. I walked around the cemetery and noticed a double grave that two women were buried at. On the back of the large stone was a poem that spoke of no regrets. It basically said that we should live every moment that we have with one another, to love, hug, share and just enjoy one another's company while we have each other. Because we never know when something tragic happens as in the case of these two women. By the dates on the stones I could see that one was in her 20's and the other in her 30's. So, I am in a somber mood tonight.

I also saw that the tulips that we planted around Karli's tombstone were in full bloom. I picked them all and gave one to my mother-in-law, mother, sister-in-law, grand-mother-in-law and niece. We kept one for ourselves. They are pink. I think Karli would have liked them. I do miss my daughter. I know she never saw me. But she did know my voice. I remember speaking to her, reading to her and praying with her. She would leap in her mothers womb when she heard my voice. When I lost her, I did not know what I would do. You know it will be two years in July.

The other day I saw a lady that I know that lives in Taylorville. I saw her the night we lost Karli in the hospital. I can only assume that she got a new grandbaby that night. I saw her the other day in Walmart pushing a cart with a baby girl that looked almost two years old. It is strange to see her because I can't help but wonder if Karli would look like that. Instead, I have a photo I carry in my wallet of a baby, frozen in time, just as the day we had her. Never growing, never saying, "I love you daddy."

When people ask me how many kids do you have, I have always said 3 but one was born still. Then follows the "I am sorry." And the uncomfortable silence, followed by me saying, "Thanks." What I wish people would do is say, "Oh, I am sorry, What was her name? When was she born? If you have a photo of her, would you mind showing me?" People don't realize that we don't want to forget about our daughter, never talking about her, pretending it did not happen. We want to tell the world that we had a daughter that was very beautiful. She had skin as soft as pink rose petals. Her head was full of brown hair. She looked like her mother. I will admit it is sad to talk about her, but sometimes it feels good to remember her, to know that she was a living being, and if we cry when we talk about her, then cry with us. Let us remember and let us talk about them without feeling like you just spoke a taboo. Everyone who as lost a child will never forget them, please don't try to get them to forget.

None of my friends usually bring up our daughter in conversation. Most, I feel have forgotten about it. You don't realize how good it feels when someone mentions her name to us. One of my close friends said a while back, "Remember at Karli's funeral..." It is wonderful to hear people say her name.

I realize this is a little different post than I normally do, but today was special. Seeing her grave again has brought up feelings that I have not really expressed to anyone. Now I have and I feel better. I also wrote about our story on this blog and I hope you will read it.

Well, I am going to try and get some sleep. Good Night Blogsphere...

Karli Michelle Reynolds

July 6, 2004